The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (Bum script)
Announcer: And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Chester: OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's these kids, and they're at a train station. And the train station turns into a fantasyland! Train stations'll do that. I had a train station that turned into a fantasyland. 'Course, I was smoking something...probably illegal. And there's lions! And tigers! And bears! It was kind of like being in "The Wizard of Oz," except with bloodshed. And there's this mousey. He's so cute! And he sounds just like that stand-up comedian. What's his name? Um... Um... Carlos Mencia! Wait, no, that's not it. Eddie Izzard! He sounds like Eddie Izzard! Who's kind of like Carlos Mencia. Except that he's British. He likes to wear dresses. And he's funny. And the name of the lion is Assland (really spelled Aslan)! They named him after a world populated by asses! What kind of a name is that anyway? It's like calling a giraffe Buttkingdom! It makes no sense! And there's dwarves! They've got dwarves in it! And their names are Grumpy, ah...Grumpy, and, ah...Grumpy. ...They weren't very happy dwarves! So, anyway, the kids come back, and it looks like Narnia's been taken over by the Italians! They're like, "We have to stop these Narnians because we want to make a pizza pie-a!" They all kind of look like Mario. And, uh, the devil. Mario and the devil! Hey, that should be a new sitcom! (singing) Mario and the devil! He's an Italian plumber, he's the lord of all darkness! (talking) "Mario and the Devil," copyrighted Chester A. Bum. So, the kids are like, "We have to stop the Italians!" So, they take out their weapons that Santa Clause gave them in the first movie. Why is Santa Clause handing out weapons anyway? That's kinda messed up! Is he, like, gun crazy? It makes no sense! Santa. Needs. Help! And at the end, there's this big battle! With catapults! Swords! Horsies! And a badger. They have a badger in the battle! That's crazy! No! That's Narnia, bitch! And at the end, they're trying to drive them to the river. And this big, freaking watery thing pops up! And I was like, "Ohhhh my God, what is that?!" He beats the crap out of everybody! And then he disappears. Who the hell was that?? That guy was cool! Does he do birthday parties? I would like a giant, watery man at my birthday party! If I could remember when it was. I'm pretty sure it was the day I was born! Isn't that when most birthdays are? And at the end, the kids are like, "We have to go back." And one kid is like, "Why?" And the other kid's like, "Because!" And they're like, "Are we ever coming back?" "Nah, we're never coming back." And I'm like, "Bullcrap! You got, like, six more books, man! You're coming back!" It's like Harry Potter - you'll never die! I think that should be the name of the next movie! "The Chronicles of Narnia: They'll Never Die. They'll Just Run Out Of Money." So, it was good! Very good! Good enough to see twice! Please send me money so I can see it twice! I swear I won't just use it on booze! I'll also use it on drugs. This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change! Hey, that Obama guy wanted change, and I bet you gave him a nickel!.